I just got home from the midnight showing of The Dark Knight.  It was well worth the money and lack of sleep, in my opinion.  I'm glad Clayton and Austin talked me into going...  The theatre had a few problems getting it started and I thought they were going to have a riot on their hands, but they finally got it working and the fans returned to an excited crowd instead of a pissed off mob.  

Cappuccino Chocolate Chunk ice cream from Braums is amazing, by the way.  I know this seems like a completely random comment (blink, blink), but Kandace and I got some before going to the theatre.  We got there 2 hours before it started and still ended up sitting at the neck-straining front of the auditorium.  Oh well....

I've been trying to read more this summer.  Fiction, I mean.  I finished the Bell Jar.  It was sad, but interesting and enjoyable (if you can say that about it).  I am currently reading a book by a Chicana author titled Let Their Spirits Dance.  I like it so far.  It's about the Vietnam war and how it affected families from el barrio that that lost sons in the war.  Today, I read that the only Chicano man to receive a Medal of Honor from that war was buried in Morelia, Mexico.... which is the city I studied in for a few weeks 2 years ago.  I like reading about foreign places and thinking, "Hey, I've been there!"  It really makes me want to travel alot more.  I tend to go a bit crazy if I'm in the States too long.  Is that bad?

Well, I really should try to sleep now.

I was just lying on the couch a few minutes ago, thinking about how different people in my life have made sacrifices and how those sacrifices have made me into the person that I am today.   I never realized how many and to what extent people have given up until today.  It is a very sobering and humbling thing to think about.  An overwhelming feeling of gratitude caused tears to trickle down my face.  I owe so much to so many people, yet I know that none of them expect anything in return.

*

Ok, so you are probably wondering where all of this is coming from...  Most of you know that the past year (especially the past few months) have been quite difficult for me in many aspects.  Physically, mentally, spiritually...  I was fighing a bit of depression for awhile.  I just recently started to talk about it in past-tense, which is a huge step toward healing, in my opinion.  I came to the realization that how I "feel" will never change unless I change my attitude.  Meaning, I needed to stop reacting to life's circumstances and instead respond to them.  (A reaction does not use the mind, while a response is thought out first).  

Also, I realized that thanksgiving, praise and joy are more of a sacrifice to God when we are going through trials.  It's easy to thank Him for what we consider good.  Or praise Him when life is easy.  Or be joyful when everything is going our way.  But, much more beautiful and sweeter smelling are our prayers and worship to a loving God when they come from a soul in the midst of a storm.  And He never allows us to go through trials for no reason.

So, I decided to be thankful for everything in my life, whether I considered it good or bad.  Every morning when I wake up, I find at least 5 things to be thankful for.  Every night before I go to bed, I thank God for another 5 things from the day.  This, along with consistent time in the Word and prayer, has slowly brought me out of my long night of depression and into the light of hope.  I am actually excited about this next year.  Even though I have absolutely no idea exactly what I will be doing, if I will be going anywhere, or how my circumstances will change.  I have faith that God has a plan for my good.  This isn't to say I won't have days where I question and doubt, because I will.  I'm not perfect.  But, I am looking forward instead of dwelling on the past.  I am appreciating that God has me in this present place for a purpose and learning to serve Him where I am, not waiting until I'm where I want to be. 

And that's all I have to say about that....for now.

The question “Why?” is posed about 420 times in the Bible (according to The Strongest NASB Exhaustive Concordance).  Some of the questions are directed to God from man, others to man from God, and still others between men.

We begin asking “Why?” at a very early age, usually as a toddler.  It is in our human nature to want to know the reason or purpose for actions we must take or events that happen in our lives (or the lives of others).  I remember a little boy I used to baby-sit, who is now driving, by the way… Wow, that makes me feel old!  He was never satisfied with any answer I gave to his questions.  Each answer was followed with another “why?” 

“Why is the sky blue?” 

“Because God made it that way.”

“Why?”

“Because He wanted to.”

“Why?”

“Because He thinks it’s a pretty color”

“Why?”

“Because…..”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why?”

Eventually you can distract a 4-year-old with a toy or game and his inquisitive mind gives you peace for a time.  However, as we get older, we become more persistent in ask “why?”  Especially when we don’t understand the reason God allows certain situations that bring us grief or pain or lack the knowledge of purpose behind it.  Thankfully, our Father is patient with us when we continue to question Him and comforts us with His Word.  His answer is often a simple “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). 

In the Bible, Job’s questions with questions (and a bit of sarcasm) that bring the realization of the Lord’s supreme authority over all things. 

God answers:

“Would you discredit My justice?

Would you condemn Me to justify yourself?

Do you have an arm like God’s, and can your voice thunder like His? 

Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor, and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.” (Job 40:8-10)

 Job replies:

“I know that You can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. 

You ask, ‘Who is this that obscures My counsel without knowledge?’

 Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.”

 (Job 42:2-3)

I love Job’s response!  He humbly acknowledges God’s ability to do “all things” and his inability to understand the reason behind his suffering.  In the end, we may still have questions and they may never be answered to our satisfaction, yet, we must trust that God knows what He is doing.  He created us and everything around us.  He causes everything to work together for a purpose, even when we don’t know what it is.  This is a difficult lesson to learn (and re-learn) during difficult times in our life.  We so often want to be in control and want to know the “why” of everything.  Sometimes we just have to trust.

I pray that my heart will be as the following verses—with earnest trust in our Father’s lovingkindness and faithfulness.

“Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty.
I don’t concern myself with matters too great or too awesome for me to grasp.
Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child with its mother.
Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord—now and always.”

(Psalm 131)

A dream: an aspiration; goal; aim

"Dreams are the touchstones of our character."  --Henry David Thoreau
"There is nothing like a dream to create the future."  --Victor Hugo
"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."  --Edgar Allan Poe

So, I've been praying, trying to figure out what ideas in my head are truly dreams of mine.  Here is a list of aspirations that I would love to attain before my time on earth comes to an end (in no particular order of importance).

-Get married.  The idea of sharing the adventure of life with a like-minded person is very appealling to me.  I don't particularly enjoy doing thing alone and have found that the support of another is quite important on the journey, as it says in Ecc. 4:9-12.  (btw, this verse is one of the reasons I don't want a diamond ring, but a simple braided band.  I like the symbolism).
-Adopt a least one child.  Costly, yes, but there is a great need, it fulfills James 1:27, and is picture of God adopting us.
-Travel.  The best way to learn about people and their culture is to go.  I would love to backpack around Europe, visit all 50 states, and serve on short-term mission trips to several places in South America, Africa, and India.
-Become fluent in Spanish.  I love the sound of the language and the people that speak it... and it's a useful skill in America now.
-Record a CD of songs I've written.  Just for fun, really.  Music plays an important role in my life.  I'm not the most talented musician or songwriter, but I would like to share things on my heart with family and friends.  
-Make a difference.  In the end, I really just want to know that I have lived my life helping others have a better life through Love in action.

I'm not sure if or how this helps me figure out the next step in my life, but it's a start... 

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
--Albert Einstein 

This statement pretty much sums up how I feel about life right now...  Not that I am foolishly boasting that I am a "great spirit", but I do have dreams and aspirations that are currently being squished by people with "mediocre minds"  assinine policies.  

I am becoming increasingly disillusioned with the lack of love and unity among people.  I realize that this can only come from God who is love.  I am aware that one cannot make a decision about Truth based on the actions of imperfect people that attempt to share this Truth (often forgetting to display the Love that lives inside of them).  How long will we continue to complicate the simple message of Christ?  Love God, love others.  What will it take to accept one another as brothers and sister and refuse to argue over minor differences and convictions?

"There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all ad through all and in all."  (Ephesians 4:4-6)

"You are all sons of God through Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.  There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."  (Galatians 3:26-28)

I am convinced that there are enough "great spirits" who are passionate about living out the Truth in love to make a difference.  I desire more than anything to be a small part of a great change.  At the end of my life, I want to be able to look back and say that my generation took a stand for Truth, loved without fear and brought glory to God.

So, when and where do we start?  
Here.
Now.

The past few weeks have been filled with laughter and tears, smiles and frowns, tremendous joy and extreme frustration.  No, I'm not bipolar.  I work in full-time ministry, led a mission trip 2 weeks ago, and visited my dying Grandpa with my family.

For those of you that don't know, my Grandpa has cancer and we're getting down to the end now.  It's been a very long journey of chemo and radiation and relapses.  I think his body is getting tired and he is losing his desire to live.  He asks when he can go "home" just about every day now.  It's been really hard on my mom and aunt.  It's been difficult for me to be almost 3 hours away from everything and unable to help relieve some of the stress.  I'm actually doing with everything right now...  I had a breakdown in December and I'm sure it will hit me again, but feel the need to remain strong for my family at the moment.

Life in J-town has been good this semester.  (I just realized that I still refer to "semesters" to indicate a certain period of time.  I guess that's what happens when you stay around after graduation!)  I will be here until the end of July when my lease is up.  After that, only God knows.  I am praying about a "long-term" option that will take me away for a few years, but even then I still have to figure out where to go and what to do until I leave.  I should probably do something have involves making money...  However, with my many travel plans (I can't wait to visit WA!), I wouldn't be around much to actually work.  Most employers frown upon that...