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07 May 2008 @ 10:54 am
 I feel as though I should be writing, although I don't know what to say.  Ideas are jumbled and words fail to completely express my thoughts...

I am not distressed anymore.  My short breakdown on Sunday night, along with much prayer, has brought a significant amount of peace.  No answers, but a calm assurance that they will be revealed eventually.  My Facebook status is "waiting"...  That is the only word I can think of that describes my feelings, attitude, and current... well, status.  What am I waiting for?  I don't know, to be honest.  It seems I have recently been stripped of all my dreams and goals.  This frightened me at first, because I don't know what to do when I have nothing to work toward.  However, I have come to the realization that God has brought me to this place.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Probably to keep me from making alot of mistake, which often happens when planning my life on my own.  

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."  
(Psalm 37:4)

Somewhere I heard or read that the translation from the Hebrew phrase of God will "give" you your desires actually means He will place the desires in your heart.  So, the verse isn't saying, "Make God happy and He will give you whatever you want."  It's more like, "Find your delight in God and He will place the desires in your heart that will bring you joy."  Interesting way to look at it...

I know I still have some dreams buried deep within me that God has placed there....  But I think how they are going to come about may be much different than I imagined.  Some dreams I am not sure about anymore.  Maybe they never really were my dreams to begin with.  So, I pray and I wait for an answer... for the next step to be lit, the next door to be opened.  This has been my focus the past few days.  Trying to deepen my relationship with God instead of figuring out what to do.  I am usually an action person.  It's really hard to sit still and wait.  It's difficult to avoid over-analying everything.  It's almost impossible to do any of this with patience.

Time does not stand still as I wait.
My biological clock is still ticking.
Contracts are still winding down.
Deadlines are still passing.
Friends still leaving.
People are still asking me what I'm doing next.

I dream.
I pray.
I wait.
Let me be content with not having answers for awhile...
Current Location: BSU
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
05 May 2008 @ 08:50 am

Current Location: BSU
Current Mood: workingworking
Current Music: Coldplay
23 April 2008 @ 11:28 pm
I think my interview for the Resident Director position on campus went well.  Everyone was very nice and casual, for the most part.  I knew some of the people, which helped.  I feel good about all of my answers.  There is another strong candidate, so I am not overly confident that I will get the job...but I believe I have a good chance.  (I know a few of the staff member don't get along with the other applicant, which is in my favor).  Only time will tell.  I should know sometime next week.

In the mean time....

Current Location: home
Current Mood: boredbored
22 April 2008 @ 10:10 am
My friend Hatch is kidknapping me for the afternoon and taking me on an unknown adventure!  I'm a bit scared... lol  But, I am on vacation and haven't done anything except visit family (which was enjoyable) and prepare for my interview tomorrow (not so enjoyable).  Something fun and relaxing is in order, I guess...

I must pack now!
Current Location: home
Current Mood: excitedexcited
13 April 2008 @ 10:58 pm
God is so faithful to bring encouragement in the midst of my despair!  Tonight during Portico, Matt shared Psalm 27 with us.  Verses 11-14 jumped out at me (not literally, of course...) and brought me the peace that I have desperately been praying for.

Teach me Your ways, O Lord,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.

Sometimes I doubt that I will truly see  "the goodness of the Lord" in my life.  I forget that He is greater than my problems and adversaries.  This was a good reminder to be patient and place complete trust in the Lord's plan.  I know that Truth will prevail and joy will be my reward in the end.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: contentcontent
11 April 2008 @ 10:51 am

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
--Albert Einstein

This statement pretty much sums up how I feel about life right now...  Not that I am foolishly boasting that I am a "great spirit", but I do have dreams and aspirations that are currently being squished by people with "mediocre minds"  assinine policies.  

I am becoming increasingly disillusioned with the lack of love and unity among people.  I realize that this can only come from God who is love.  I am aware that one cannot make a decision about Truth based on the actions of imperfect people that attempt to share this Truth (often forgetting to display the Love that lives inside of them).  How long will we continue to complicate the simple message of Christ?  Love God, love others.  What will it take to accept one another as brothers and sister and refuse to argue over minor differences and convictions?

"There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all ad through all and in all."  (Ephesians 4:4-6)

"You are all sons of God through Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.  There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."  (Galatians 3:26-28)

I am convinced that there are enough "great spirits" who are passionate about living out the Truth in love to make a difference.  I desire more than anything to be a small part of a great change.  At the end of my life, I want to be able to look back and say that my generation took a stand for Truth, loved without fear and brought glory to God.

So, when and where do we start?  

Current Location: BSU
Current Mood: determineddetermined
03 April 2008 @ 08:40 pm

Sorry, I just needed to scream.....
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
03 April 2008 @ 02:00 pm

The past few weeks have been filled with laughter and tears, smiles and frowns, tremendous joy and extreme frustration.  No, I'm not bipolar.  I work in full-time ministry, led a mission trip 2 weeks ago, and visited my dying Grandpa with my family.

For those of you that don't know, my Grandpa has cancer and we're getting down to the end now.  It's been a very long journey of chemo and radiation and relapses.  I think his body is getting tired and he is losing his desire to live.  He asks when he can go "home" just about every day now.  It's been really hard on my mom and aunt.  It's been difficult for me to be almost 3 hours away from everything and unable to help relieve some of the stress.  I'm actually doing with everything right now...  I had a breakdown in December and I'm sure it will hit me again, but feel the need to remain strong for my family at the moment.


Life in J-town has been good this semester.  (I just realized that I still refer to "semesters" to indicate a certain period of time.  I guess that's what happens when you stay around after graduation!)  I will be here until the end of July when my lease is up.  After that, only God knows.  I am praying about a "long-term" option that will take me away for a few years, but even then I still have to figure out where to go and what to do until I leave.  I should probably do something have involves making money...  However, with my many travel plans (I can't wait to visit WA!), I wouldn't be around much to actually work.  Most employers frown upon that...

Current Location: BSU
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
02 April 2008 @ 10:55 pm
I was going to post about my mission trip and other stuff, but I couldn't get the lj-cut to work. Sometimes I hate computers...

While reading through some of my past posts, I am amazed at how much has changed and how many things have not. For example, I am no longer angry with Dan. I was able to wish him well in his recent marriage a few weeks ago and truly meant it. I have remained single since our break-up, except for a month-long aggravating attempt with Seth last fall. Grandpa is still fighting cancer, yet is beginning to lose the battle and the end is almost in sight. I am still involved with the BSU, however, as Associate Director instead of a student leader. I'm living in the same apartment with the same roommate...until the end of July.

Change is just over the horizon and I am excited about it!
Current Location: home
Current Mood: nerdynerdy
23 March 2008 @ 12:31 pm
So, after catching up a bit with Anne, I realized that I had completely forgotten that LJ existed! I'm not really sure how or why... Maybe I got too busy with life to record my thoughts. Que terible! I can't promise I will update often, but I have returned. I will begin my new posts with a survey stolen from Sally's Facebook! :)

1. Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes
2. What kind of computer do you have? Acer Aspitre 3000 (laptop)
3. What have you learned today? That I CAN sleep until 12pm!
4. How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over? Two, maybe 3
5. Do you like to smile? Sometimes... I wish I smiled more often
6. How tall Are You? 5'6"
7. What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up? A person that truly loves others
8. What Time Do You Usually Wake Up On the Weekends? I wake up serveral times...
9. Do You Like Peanut Butter? Indeed
11. How much did you weigh when you were born? 6 lbs, ? oz
12. What brand of body lotion do you use? Whatever I have, usually something cheap
13. Should country music die? Some of it could...
14. If you could live in any other place, which one would you pick? There are too many places to choose from!
15. Where were you when you heard about the World Trade Towers? At home
16. Are camera phones worth it? They are fun
17. Are there too many commercials on tv? YES
18. How many times have you moved? About eight...and probably will move again in July.
19. What color are your bed sheets? Blue
20. What would you look for in choosing a roommate? Somebody I wouldn't kill or that wouldn't kill me. Ramsey has worked pretty well.
21. Do you ever keep arguing even when you know you’re wrong? Of course
22. What are the top physical traits you look for in a male/female? Taller than me, healthy/fit, nice smile
23. Do long distance relationships work? They can, but it's not easy
24. Scubadiving or Skydiving? Scubadiving
25. Is there anyone you'd die for? Yes, several
26. Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,A,: Jnnf n Pns
27. what are you listening to? Silence...for once in a long while
28. Is any part of your body sore? Everywhere, thanks for driving back from Texas
29. Are you happy with your life? Most of the time...
30. Are you missing anyone? Yes
31. How do you earn money? I don't right now... I raised support.
32. Are you outgoing? I wouldn't say that
33. Where do you wish you were right now? Somewhere it is WARM
34. Are you slowly drifting away from someone close? Yes, it makes me sad.
36. How is life going for you right now? I have my ups and downs
37. When was the last time you held someone’s hand? Last week (in prayer)
38. Who can you tell everything to? God, Noelle, Shelby, Tara, Rams
39. Who was the last person you talked to on AIM? I don't have AIM
40. Last words you spoke? I haven't spoken yet today!
41. Did you date someone you regret dating? Regrets don't change the past
42. What is your natural hair color? Brown
43. What is the next concert you're going to? BLAINE! (My friends' band)
44. Can you play guitar hero? I like to play my real guitar
45. Do you like someone? I try not to think about it...
46. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm
47. Who is your last text from? Garret
48. What is the last movie you watched in theater? JUNO. Amazing, by the way.
49. Who did you last share a bed with? *blink blink*
50. Coach Purse or NFL game tickets? No, thank you.
51. Do fish have feelings? idk, do you?
52. What do you currently smell like? Who know...I need to shower!
53. How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? I hoped to adopt by the time I'm 30, but that doesn't give me much time... So, maybe 32?
54. Would you rather watch football or baseball? Futbal (soccer to Americans)
56. Who is your number one person on your friends list? I have a list?!? I must have lost it somewhere.
57. Do you feel like dancing? Almost always
58. How much money do you have on you? Enough
60. Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be? Not really
61. Do you burn easily in the sun? Unfortunately, yes
62. Do you speak another language other than English? Hablo espanol a veces
63. What made you happy today? I slept for more than 4 hours last night!
64. Whats your ringtone? Stayin' Alive (BeeGees) for guys, Enough (BarlowGirl) for girls, The Office Theme Song for work.
65. Who were the last people you ate lunch with? South Padre mission team
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted